Wingmen
by Morning Chrysanthemum
Summary: With Arthur being the awkward yet lovable git he is, it's up to his fairies and Pochi-kun to be his wingmen-pun intended-and get him together with Kiku! As one would expect, chaos and dirty humor ensue. For the Love and Tea Secret Santa.


The chatter inside the tiny closet was enough to shake the whole space. The odd part was that nearly every creature present had either wings, tails, or both. A green bunny that would be in the category of "with both wings and a tail" was desperately trying to calm everyone, but to no avail. The unicorn next to it, with a serious expression for once, stomped and let out a great whinny for silence. Its power could not be challenged, as sound died down.

"...Right," said a petite fairy, also in green, but with a woman's body rather than a rabbit's. "Okay, so listen up!"We are currently going through one of the greatest crises ever to hit us. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"Our fairy dust is running out?" said someone.

"No, but with this problem, only Titania* knows what could happen. Any other takers?"

Silence. How rare. Tinkerbell decided to enlighten them.

"Arthur's in love."

There were crickets at first, before it seemed as though cicadas invaded the closet.

"Isn't this fantaaaabulous?" cried a green-haired fairy, floating about with while holding a nickel. The one with pink hair tried to calm him down.**

"Who is it? Who?"

"This is _Arthur Kirkland _we're talking about, yes?"

"The boy's finally getting laid! I'm so proud of the rascal!"

The unicorn whinnied once more. Again there was silence.

"However," it said gravely, "he hasn't confessed. He's building up so much frustration (sexual or not, you decide that) that at this rate, he's never going to, you know..." The horned horse looked uncomfortable, "...'get laid,' as you say. It'll just get worse. Arthur may be in constant bad moods right now, but...with this kind of problem, it'll lead to even more drinking. And we all know how Arthur is when he's drunk."

Solemn nods accompanied the statement. Arthur wouldn't emerge from under the blanket for a week after the last time.

"Who knows, if he's with the person he loves when he's drunk, he could end up confessing...but not in the way he'd like to. And then it's back under the blanket for him, for most likely more than seven days..."

"And the cycle continues," the bunny concluded. "Right, Uni?"

The unicorn nodded. "Yes. Now, one hundred fifty years ago, this wouldn't have been a worry to us. I suppose he's finally found the one for him. And don't we want him, one of the only people to see us, to be happy?"

There were murmurs and shouts of assent all around.

"And anyone who thinks otherwise should have no right to be in the closet, yes?" There were snickers, but the bunny's eerie smile made them quiet down quickly.

"S-so who is the lucky...person?" piped up someone random, dodging specific words such as "man" or "woman." Even after all these years, they still haven't figured out which way Arthur swung. Was he gay, straight, bi, or what they called "French"?

Uni, Tinkerbell, and the bunny smiled. No malice, just the tenderness of a mother speaking of a child.

"We'll show you. Operation Wingmen begins today."

…

Arthur didn't know what the hell he was doing, thinking he could pull off romantic. He could years ago, but times have changed. _It's all pick-up lines and one-night-stands,_ he thought, willing the hair curl taped to his head to just stay in place. _Damn you, Feliciano. Damn you, Howard. As if he'd really be charmed by this get-up. But-oh for God's sake- I'm an absolutely invincible British gentleman, damn it! I can do anything I want, charm whoever I want! Even..oh, _was what shot through his mind as the door before him slowly slid open, like a curtain revealing an awaited masterpiece. And that's how it felt to England, as he kept staring at the stunning, calm being in front of him. Once he got his sense back, he immediately felt like hitting himself with the bouquet he brought, his short buzz of confidence slowly fading. He could feel his cheeks heat up at once and mentally cursed at himself for being so...ugh, he couldn't even describe it.

"Asa-san? This...is certainly a surprise."

"Oh, um...s-sorry." Smooth. Real smooth. "I-I just thought I'd come over for old times' sake, y'know?"

There was no response, and Arthur was contemplating going back with his tail between his legs. He turned around, muttering an "Okay, sorry for bothering you, Kiku" and preparing himself for a onslaught of alcohol before Kiku called him back.

"Iie, it's fine. I was only wondering why you were wearing one of Feliciano-kun's suits." _It suits you, _he thought, before realizing the horrible pun and wincing.

Arthur noticed the wince, and tortured himself thinking he'd been the cause of that. _What in hell did I do? Arthur, you idiot! _It was a shame he hadn't noticed how Kiku's eyes had widened and how his face reddened at the sight of him.

How cruel irony is.

"Gek!" _What am I supposed to say: Oh, I've fallen for you in the over-a-hundred-years we've known each other and am trying to impress you? Like hell!_

Suddenly, his last trip to America came in mind.

"What is your purpose for traveling?" the man who looked like Germany with a mustache had asked. Back then, he had said, "To hit."

"To..flirt."

"Eh?" it was obvious. Japan had no idea what he meant.

England gulped. He still couldn't help but acknowledge the clueless look on Kiku's face. _S-so cute..._

Then he snapped out of it (like a boss). "Gek! Uh, see, that wino France had the nerve to say he could charm more girls than I could. And then we got into a squabble which ended up with us going to Italy and him forcing me to wear this suit since he called me 'a stuffy old man who needs to get out more.' Some random people caught sight of me and just gave me these flowers, but I don't need them, so here!" He thrust the bouquet forward, hoping it wasn't hard enough to make Japan bleed.

It was all a lie, of course. But it was true that Italy and France were involved.

Dear Lord, he needed love advice.

_Modern _love advice.

It bothered him so much, the feelings he had and couldn't express, even on paper. (The full trash can in his room was proof.) So he even went to France (only to find him being the perverted frog he was), and then Italy. At least the latter didn't try to hit on him since he had Germany. And he had to admit, giving him the suit and fixing his hair was pretty nice of Feliciano to do.

If only he hadn't been pestering him with constant questions about his feelings for Kiku.

"What do you like about him? How long have you liked him? Do you like him even more than pasta? Oh wait, since it's England, do you like him more than your really bad food?"

At the last one, England had to resist the urge to throttle the brunet for two reasons: he was a gentleman, and he didn't want his lovely face to be ruined by a football just before he would confess his love.

_His love..._

"Asa-san?"

"Yes, love?" He said it with a perfectly straight face, focusing on only Kiku.

"Wait...what?" Japan had to wonder, was that word what England used in his charming contest? He stiffened. _I see. So he needs more than one person to satisfy him._

"What? Oh...damn! What were we talking-oh yes! You can have these, I wasn't planning on giving them to some random girl anyway. In fact I thought the whole thing was so stupid I threw in the contest and gave the frog what-for, so you can have them." Damn, he was repeating himself.

Japan had to hold in a relieved smile then, gratefully accepting the roses that reminded him of Arthur. Thorny, soft, bashful, many-layered Arthur. But then he realized something.

"I apologize! Would you like to come inside? Or have I kept you waiting too long?"

"N-no, it's fine. I'm sorry for surprising you, anyway," mumbled England as he hastily removed his leather shoes before entering.

And paling. For floating right behind Japan were none other than his fairies. Their grins gave him a cold feeling. _Don't tell me Puck's with them too. I'll bet he started this._

"Do you think I could head over to the loo for a bit?" Without even waiting for a response, he dashed to the mentioned destination.

Japan stared at the empty space England once occupied. _I wonder if he's feeling well? Could his food have caused this?_

As Arthur expected, his fairies followed him.

"Why won't you make him yours, already? I'm not sure whether to be happy you've finally found love or to smack you for not acting sooner.," said a daring one.

"Did I ask? And what the hell do you lot think you're doing here?"

"Commencing Operation Wingmen. Even Kiku's dog is helping us. He's as sharp as his owner. But then again, I bet all the other countries noticed your little crush by now."

Pochi barked as if to prove this statement.

"And what operation is this, may I ask?" seethed Arthur.

"A multi-step plan to help you get laid. Now if you don't mind, please read this list and even use some of the pickup lines if you want."

Arthur gazed at the paper like it was a bomb ready to explode. "'_Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?'_ No way, that'd freak him out. '_If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity?_' Excuse me while I go throw up. '_If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous?' _The hell? Did Alfred come up with that? What else..._'Did you clean your pants with windex, cause I can see myself in them?' _Okay...ew. I-I'd rather woo him using the traditional methods."

"Love letters and flowers? You _are _old." piped up another one.

"S-shut up! Oh, forget you all! I'm going back! And don't you dare try to ruin this!"

"We're not ruining it, we're making it better. For example, expect a little surprise when you return to him." A couple fairies had devious grins.

Arthur ignored them, continuing onwards. He never noticed Pochi-kun following him, or the flashes of green everywhere.

"Asa-san? Are you feeling well?" Japan was carrying a tray and wearing his apron, looking very similar to a stereotypical housewife.

The blonde's annoyance immediately faded. "Oh, um, yes. Why do you ask?" Damn, his face felt hot again. He hoped his mind didn't go down the dirty path again.

"I was about to make tea and prepare honey and cinnamon powder. It has recently become known that they are good for stomach problems."

Japan thought he had stomach problems? Better than him thinking Arthur was a crazy madman slash pervert, at least. And he actually cared...

"T-thanks."

"It is fine. You are a very good...friend of mine."

_Ka-chuk. _England felt like some anime character that just got stabbed by an arrow. Tinkerbell patted his head. "Keep going for it!"

England slumped down toward the table. Something green and white caught his eye. Wait...

His head swiveled upward. _They didn't!_

But it was obvious enough that they did. The ivory berries caressed by the green leaves seemed to taunt him. "Kiss him already! You know you want to~!" it seemed to say.

Yes, he wanted to, but not like this, when a plant was the one to dictate it!

Japan had returned, coming across a distressed England staring above. He followed the Englishman's gaze.

"_Are? _I don't remember having...mistletoe (was it?) put up."

He set the tray down, still in wonder as he sat himself down.

Arthur was torn. To kiss or not to kiss? _Oh fuck this shit. I wore one of Italy's suits and went to that wine bastard for this moment._ He decided to go with the former, reaching over and taking a hold of Japan's chin, making them face each other. Their red faces mirrored each other.

"A-Asa-san?"

"Kiku..." With both of them leaning over the table, no one noticed Japan's elbow come in contact with the teacup, knocking it over.

Until Arthur ruined the moment by hissing as he felt something hot and wet slip onto (not into) his lap. He instinctively moved backwards. As if to make matters worse, the fairy behind him deemed it proper to hit his head. He'd give the little bugger a good flick to teach him a lesson, but now was not the time as Japan was apologizing profusely before running to fetch some cool water and a towel.

Arthur groaned in pain. Not in the kinky way either.

He noticed Pochi sitting to his left. "Well, hello there, old friend. So it seems you _do _know?" He stretched out a hand to pet him.

The dog's response was to bite his hand. Arthur bit his lip to keep from yelling. Seeing that the man was caught off guard, Pochi suddenly leapt on his face and began biting and scratching, occasionally making his way to Arthur's neck before coming back up.

_Since when did he have such sharp claws and teeth? Ouch!_

Unlike the dog, Arthur was growling by now. He reached up and desperately ripped Pochi away from his face.

Enter Japan, who was now staring, shocked, at the scene before him. Arthur cringed.

_Oh Lord, please don't misunderstand-!_

Really, it looked as though he had kiss marks all over his face...and his neck. He knew he was good-looking, but seriously...!

"Are you all right, Asa-san?"

If Arthur hadn't been trying so hard to understand Kiku for all the years he'd known him, he would not have noticed the slight death aura around Japan.

He wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

"Y-yeah, never been better."

"This is strange indeed. Pochi-kun has never shown any ill will toward anyone, let alone you, as he knows how I feel about-" The Asian suddenly clapped a hand to his mouth, blushing. "A-ano, sumimasen! I will go get the first-aid kit! If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to ask."

Arthur stared after him, feeling another blush coming on, ten times more potent than any other he'd had. _Could it be? Does he actually feel the same? _He closed his eyes and rested his head on his chin. _Then again, he could be talking about someone else...n-no, it has to be me! I'm sure of it!_

He reached into his coat and pulled out a crumpled white ball. Opening it, he proceeded to sigh. Romance, eh? Maybe he was old, writing love letters like this. It was almost like a diary than anything else, telling of all his feelings. But then again, he had always felt like he could say anything to Japan...besides the fact that he loved him, of course. But now...maybe it was time?

He felt something soft and wet on his other hand, and saw Pochi. The dog was licking him, probably in apology. But that couldn't have been the case, for it quickly snatched the paper from his hand and bolted with it in its mouth.

Reading the atmosphere had been an ability that rubbed off on Pochi. Once he deduced that the paper the furry-eyebrowed man his owner especially liked was something about love, he immediately felt the urge to give it to Kiku.

"Hey! Come back here, you mutt! And to think that I was beginning to forgive you!" Arthur shouted at the disappearing dog. He quickly ran after it.

Japan was confused when his dog presented a damp piece of paper to him, but he took it nonetheless. He read through carefully, thinking it to be a business letter from his boss.

He was happily proven wrong in his assumption. Without even realizing it, his face turned similar to an apple as he read the letter's contents, over and over.

"K-Kiku!" called out Arthur as he came rushing in the hall. "Oh...you saw it..." His face turned just as red.

"And you better believe it, Arty boy!" said some mischievous fairies, each taking a turn at high-fiving Pochi.

"I-I'm sorry, Kiku, I didn't mean for you to see that. I don't blame you if you hate me or never want to see me again-"

"But I feel the opposite of that, Asa." The Japanese man didn't understand this new confidence he felt at the moment, but if it would make the other see how he felt, then he would welcome it like the generous host he was.

_That said, have I ever called someone by their name without an honorific? If so, I don't recall._

"...W-wot?"

"I don't hate you at all. And I like seeing you...in other words...I-I accept your feelings."

If poised, calm Kiku was _stuttering,_ then it couldn't have been a lie. Arthur couldn't help but feel a bit of relief, like he'd been holding the world on his shoulders and someone else had finally taken up the task, as well as happiness.

He caught sight of the mistletoe above and nearly smirked. That definitely wasn't up there before.

_For once, I'm glad to wear this suit,_ he thought cheekily as his love's face went from red to crimson at his smug smile.

Capturing Japan's chin once more, he leaned in. But then his confidence almost went away. "I am a gentleman at heart, love, but this isn't just for you, all right?"

Kiku's lips quirked up, as they met with Arthur's for the first time. How blunt he was.

"Awwww...but still, get a room!" shouted someone above.

And while Arthur was annoyed by the comment, he couldn't help but feel gratitude to the ones he'd asked help from, and even the ones he didn't.

It may have been a slight blow to his pride, but as he pulled Kiku closer and lost himself, he didn't give a damn, if it got him here after all this time.

For all is fair in love and war, after all.

* * *

><p><strong>My longest one-shot to date. And I finished before New Year's! I only wish I could have done the other prompts, but I don't think I'll have the time. -sniff-<strong>  
>"<em><strong>I'd like to see Pochi-kun and the fairies playing cupid for Arthur and Kiku. The cutestfluffiest, the better! =D"  
>*<strong>_**Titania is known as the Queen of the Fairies in "A Midsummer's Night Dream" by Shakespeare. Puck is another fairy in there, but he's the one that pretty much screws everything up in the story.  
>** Ha, I wonder how many of you can recognize these fairies? My childhood...<br>**

**I'll leave it up to you guys to think of what Arthur put in the letter, ne? :3  
>Merry late Christmas and Happy New Year's to all! 2012, here we come!<strong>


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